Okay, so I admit up front that I haven't exactly been as involved in local politics as of late as I wanted to be. In fact, I even seem to have "neglected" to renew my local Republican Party membership this year, which definitely ranks me amongst the lamest Republicans of all.
Anyway, I was abruptly reminded that there was a local election going on this summer by the fact that I came home today and had a Keith Fimian sign planted in my yard, despite me kinda not ordering one (because, again, I haven't been paying enough attention lately). So parsing through my unread mail, my initial reaction to the contest between Fimian and the legendary Fairfax County scion Pat Herrity, both of whom are running to unseat the frog-like corruptocrat Gerry Connolly, I quickly remembered something from Snapped Shot's past: I know Keith Fimian, and Keith Fimian is frickin' AWESOME!
So without further ado, here are the top ten reasons why Keith Fimian is the man Virginia needs to vanquish the Connollean scourge from the halls of Congress forever:
10. Northern Virginia doesn't have traffic problems—It has brief periods of road-based awe at Keith Fimian's might!
9. While the Republican Party might be split in its decision on who to challenge Gerry Connolly with, the Axis of Evil fears Keith Fimian the most!
8. It's been reported that a Fairfax Connector was late to pick Keith Fimian up once, and due to the paralyzing fear they've felt ever since, they've run 10 minutes early from then on!
7. The Washington Post has been nervously eyeing Keith Fimian ever since he threatened to buy the Times.
6. In a recently-declassified NSA recording, Saddam Hussein was overheard building a bunker to protect him from "Kief al-Fimian."
5. Keith Fimian is considering joining forces with Texas to rid the world of evildoers once and for all. By which he means Joe Biden's plugs.
4. To date, Keith Fimian has prevented 2,694 meteors from hitting Fairfax County. Sadly, he has not been as successful at blocking New Yorkers. (Yuk yuk)
3. Keith Fimian once forgot to reset the alarm on his clock. The resulting chaos has been known as "The Day The Beltway Stood Still" ever since.
2. When Orkin has a problem they just can't solve, they call Keith Fimian.
And the #1 reason to send Keith Fimian to Congress is... 1. In a fight between Keith Fimian and Chuck Norris, the world would self-destruct!
Okay, so that last one was a stretch. Hopefully y'all can forgive me for being so bad at this, and then click on over to Keith's fine website to find your own 10 reasons to vote for him on June 8th.